Thankful.

August 28, 2016


So much has happened within the last few months, more than I could ever imagine, and all concerning great aspects of my life - past, present and future. Initially, I thought it's best to not rant about any of it but I figured, keeping it to myself wasn't doing me any good. I thought writing it down here would help set my mind straight. 


Doing what you love is freedom, liking what you do is happiness. Back when I was working in the service theme park industry, I didn't like what I was doing but for a good two years, I was honestly elated to go to work. Only towards the end where all the unnecessary politics came in that I felt like my reputation was tarnished.  But for nine months (with a job designation that I thought was perfect for me) I was not happy. Although I wish I had figured it out sooner that that wasn't what I wanted, I have to admit that I learnt way more than I ever did with any other company, and for that I'm thankful. 

I am starting school (officially) next week. Although I've cleared three bridging modules, I am still pretty nervous thinking about having to go for orientation, making new friends and all that jazz. It is gonna be a chore having to juggle school, three sports and work but I'm thankful that at the very least, I have my school fees sorted out. That's one burden off my mind.

Speaking of burdens. 

They say when someone appears in your dreams, that person misses you. I don't know how accurate that theory is but for sure, I have been the subject of conversation (or should I say argument) between a person from my past, and a person from his present. I woke up the morning after that dream, with twitter screenshots and updates from mutual friends and ex colleagues who seemed concerned about how a certain someone has been treated. For all I care, like what I mentioned amidst all the twitter drama on my account, is that none of this deserves any of my concern. Just like how I never bothered replying to that email I received. 

Anyway, 
I turned a year older two weeks ago. Like every year, I chose to keep my birthday off the radar except this year, I didn't get to spend it overseas. I have never enjoyed celebrating this day anyway, but this year, it was a little more significant because my bestfriend of ten years officially tied the knot with the love of his life. They have turned into a boring old couple now but I'm thankful my bestfriend finally found that one person who makes him a better man, yet at the same time, compliments his nonsense. The story of how they met and how they got together will always be epic, a chapter I'll gladly share with their future minions. 

I also had the chance to be a part of celebrating the birthday of a naturally kind hearted chap who does not know how much his silly antics/annoying selfies can make my day and how much his advice makes a whole world of sense to me more than anybody else's. It took a month of planning, tons of white lies told and pulling of many strings but thank god, the objective was met although it did not happen the way I had in mind. And although I can only admire him from a distance with hopes for the best that he isn't in love with anyone else, I have learnt (from the downfall with A earlier this year) that you cannot force someone to catch feelings or reciprocate, and you should not be conveniently available for anybody, every minute of the day. 

Don't wait for the right person to walk into your life. 
Focus on being the right person to walk into someone else's life. 

And that is what I'm focusing on for the past nine months. 

Why? Because people leave. I learnt that from my father when I was four. So go ahead and take your departure if you wish because if the person who was responsible for my birth can leave me just like that, I don't see why anyone else can't. But remember, don't leave someone out in the cold and then get angry when they learn to find warmth on their own.

I'm glad that I made the decision to leave and move on from a toxic relationship. I'm glad that I made the decision to go back to freelancing so that I am free from being tied down to a job that I have to drag myself to every morning. I'm glad that I made the decision to drop out of uni last year so that I am free from studying subjects that I don't enjoy learning about. I am not glad for making the decision to stop donning the hijab for now, but I have my reasons and it is between me and my creator. Go ahead and roll your eyes or judge. I do not owe anyone any explanation for choosing to take these paths.

Despite all that, most of all, I'm thankful God hasn't given up on me, and for the people in my life who are still constantly there without judgment, no matter how crazy my life decisions can be and no matter how difficult I can be at times. I'm still figuring things out. Thank you for bearing with me. 
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