I recall writing about
but here I am, three months into the new year on a quiet Sunday morning, listening to an acoustic playlist and thinking - where did that positive, ambitious and overachieving girl disappeared to? So much has happened since the year started, both good and bad things. I feel like both my feet are planted to the ground, but the ground underneath my feet is shifting and the world around me is moving and yet, I am just... stuck. I'm not even trying to budge.
Some days I wake up feeling so light, it feels like I can conquer anything. But most days, I wake up with a heart so heavy, I can only afford to curl up in bed, check my emails through the phone and fall back to sleep. Some days I get into a deep sleep the instant my head lands on the pillow and Fazwan ends up having to wait for my goodnight messages, but most days my body feels exhaustion so bad but my mind just won't shut itself down, I end up staying up throughout the night.
I am happily engaged to a gentleman so thoughtful and patient, I honestly cannot wait to be legally married to him. I have a good career and a job that I love doing, I enjoy waking up to go to work every morning. I have friends so supportive, we are like family. I have family so trusting of me, I practically lead my own life. I have so much blessings to count on but yet - I overthink every night and overexert myself every day. These are all distractions, and I know that, but it's crazy how much I am giving in to all the voices in my head and putting my goals on hold just to pay attention to these distractions.
It's disappointing to see how well I've mastered putting a mask on when I'm outside and then crumble in solitary once I'm surrounded by the familiar walls of my bedroom. It's frustrating to see how quick I can build walls around me, the moment someone tries to pry me open. It's heartbreaking to see how so many of my loved ones are there for me, and yet I shut myself out because I keep telling myself that no one will understand. And it's convenient, how I keep listening to that tiny voice at the back of my head and it's stresses me out even more, how it just won't shut itself up.
The start of 2019 has been a roller coaster but it was definitely a quarter filled with lessons and growth, lessons that I hope to remember and continue to grow with in the remaining months of the year. Somehow, I think I lost myself amidst all the chaos and change. I lost my sense of purpose through all these distractions. But I sure hope that the remaining months of 2019 will be a kind and fulfilling year for all of you reading this. Remember, make space for what matters and you have to do what you dream of doing even if you're afraid.